When I was younger and had more free time in my life, I used to read Reader’s Digest.  But there was one section that I would turn immediately to…it was a collection of quotes.  I always found them entertaining.  Sometimes they were witty one-liners, other times they were blurbs of stories documented for entertainment purposes alone.  Recently I began to take note of the silly things done and said in my home.  With that, I began jotting down little things here and there.  The following is the February collection of “My Real Life Parenting Real Life Quotes and Real Life Happenings…

As I am throwing away my old non-stick electric griddle that no longer is “non-stick” because I got a new one for Christmas, my 15 year old son says, “Hey, can I have that for my room?”

 
Driving down the road, following directions to our destination – the directions say – to turn after the hill.  Son says, “Um.  Is that a hill?”

While homeschooling my daughter, the history question was “Why would the early pioneers want to settle near the coast?” Her response, “Because there were clams.”

The new kitten is meowing at my daughter and they are playing a game of “chase.”  At this point, I tell my daughter that when he is meowing at her he is actually telling her to back off.  Son #3 looks at me and says, “Mom, do you believe cats are actually speaking words?”

Home from school for a bad weather day – 15 year old son says, “I’m going out to frolic in the snow.  Would anyone care to join me?”

I am busy in the kitchen and the three boys are standing behind me.  Son #1 says, “Mom do we have any rope?”  My answer?  “No.” The next thing I know they head down to the basement to ask their father.  Father provides rope.  I am still working in the kitchen as the three boys head upstairs.  Suddenly, there is a rope dangling from the loft through the railings.  I hear the conversation:  “I’ve got you.  I can hold you. “

I hear my son say, “That’s gross.” As I walk over he says, “Smell my hand.” 

My teenage son looks around our house and says, “This is embarrassing. I can’t even believe how dirty this house is.”

All children are sitting in the family room.  I hold up a pair of dirty socks left on the kitchen table.  “Who do these belong to?”  No one claims responsibility.  I pick up the money lying next to them.  I ask “Who left their money on the table?”  They all shout – “Me!”

I ask my son when the last time he took a shower was. Before answering me, he sticks his two fingers into his armpit and smells them.  He turns and leaves the room.  I ask him where he is going.  He says he forgot to put deodorant on today.  I ask again.  “When was the last time you took a shower?”  He says, “Three days ago – but it’s not the same shirt.  I’ve been changing that!”

One morning I am in the bathroom, getting ready after my shower.  I go to brush my hair but when I reach for the brush – it is tied with twine to my husband’s dop kit.  He walks in and informs me that he is tired of his brush being taken and that it will remain tied until further notice.

On our way to the grocery store, I ask my son to call the others at home and ask them if there is anything that they would like from the store.  The other end replied immediately.  “Yes, Goldfish and Fruit Gushers.”  I then say, “I meant FOOD.”  My son then looks at me and says, “I want more EZCheese.  My new favorite food is EZ Cheese on mini-bagels with ketchup.”  And no – I am not joking.

So we have an overweight beagle that has a problem.  Occasionally her anal sacks leak because no one is willing to squeeze them – including our veterinarian’s office.  So the kids have nicknamed the butt leakage, “copper”.  It is not uncommon to hear them say, “Ew.  Hattie’s having copper,” before they push her away.  When I asked them why they call it “copper” and they said “Because it smells metallic, like pennies, and they look like copper.”

While watching home movies, one of my children says, “Mom, look how big your butt is!”  Then another child says, “Shh.  Don’t say that.”  Then they looked at me sadly and said, “Mom, why was your butt like that?”

I went grocery shopping before the snow storm. The kids emptied the truck, brought groceries in AND put them all away! (Aren't they great?) I went to the fridge today to cook the giant roaster chicken - not there. Me: "Where's the chicken?" Kids: "What chicken?" Me: "The one I bought Tues night?" Kids: <Look confused> Kids go out to the truck and check the trunk. They walk in with my chicken and 1 1/2 dozen eggs... Hmm.

So my kids are telling me how the neighborhood kids and the girls at the dance studio think my children don’t know anything because they are homeschooled.  My daughter then says, “I’m really smart, aren’t I, Mom?”  Then she paused and quickly said, “Well - sometimes I am. Right?”

My daughter is quietly reading.  Suddenly she says, “Mom, how long are octopus tentacles?”  My reply, “I have no idea.  I’d have to look it up.  Why are you asking me that?” Her answer, “Because in my book it says that they are 30 feet long and I wanted to know if it was true.”  My reply, “If the book says so, why are you asking ME?” 

My 16 year old son comes and starts sharing his candy with his siblings.  One sibling replies, “I don’t like this kind.”  16 year old’s reply?  “Why don’t you shut up – I am doing this out of the kindness of my heart.”

And last but not least:

My 16 year old decided that he was going to start a fire in the fireplace for me.  He began to collect newspaper, twigs, and wood.  As he started to build his mound of ignition, I asked him to check to make sure that the damper was open.  All of the kids were sitting in the family room with me watching.

He looked up into the chimney and then reported that there were bats sleeping up there.  Immediately Son #2 raced over.  He sat down next to Son #1 and looked up into the chimney.  He quickly retorted –

“Oh my gosh – there are many bats up there.”

At this point, I am hesitant to believe.  So I say,

“Are you kidding me?”

Son #1 goes to retrieve a flashlight and calls Son #3 over to look.  As he shines the flashlight up into the chimney, Son #3 leans in between Son #2 and Son #1.  Son #3 adds his two cents,

“Mom, there are definitely bats up there.”

Now this is where I am sold.  Son #3 is my most honest child.  He wouldn’t lead me astray.

That being said, Daughter now heads over to confirm the sighting.  All three boys sit across the hearth and accompany Daughter leaning into the fireplace to look up inside. Another report of the sighting.  My daughter confirms that there are bats up in the chimney.

All four of my children are sitting on the hearth of our fireplace describing their visions.

“They are upside down.”

“Boy, they are really ugly.”

“There is so much bat guano up there.”

“They are just sleeping.”

Suddenly all of them start banging on the brick of the fireplace trying to stir them.  They are shouting, “Wake them up!”

At this point, I call for my husband who is working in his office in our basement.  As he comes up the stairs, I am yelling:

“There are bats in the chimney!!  All of the kids have seen them!  They are trying to wake them up – I don’t want them in the house!  Tell them to stop banging!”

My husband stands still and stares at me.  He cannot even believe what I have said to him.

At that moment, all four of my children burst into wild laughter.  They had played quite the practical joke on me.

Apparently each time, one of the siblings was called forward to look into the chimney, Son #1 would quietly whisper,

“Say there are bats.  Say there are bats.”

With that prompt, each one of my children went off on their own tangent creating more details and weaving quite a story

.
Even though my common sense was telling me that this could not be true –

Those angelic faces had me buying it hook, line and sinker…