The truth is the last several months have sent me spiraling. Sometimes up and sometimes down.

My oldest baby is going to turn 18 this summer. He is graduating from high school next month. He has accepted his college admittance choice and applied for housing.

I have been unable to write about any of this over these months because I've been busy living it. If I were to sit down at any given moment on any given day - I could not promise you what sort of piece I would write. I write from my heart and share all of my emotion with you and frankly, my emotions have been all over the map during this part of the parenting journey.

You might try to imagine how you will feel. Or how you might react based on some idea you have of what personality type you are. But I just could not have prepared myself for the onslaught of feelings. For the first time in my real life parenting, I am bewildered.

I have felt happiness.

Joy.

Pride.

Love.

Fear.

Anger.

Rage.

Loneliness.

Frustration.

Exuberance.

Rejection.

Stupidity.

Regret.

Turmoil.

Angst.

Pain.

Excitement.

Anticipation.

Confusion.

Ambivalence.

Impatience.

And all of that could have happened before lunchtime on a weekday.

The range of emotion is exhausting. It has made me call my own sanity into question at times. Wondering what on earth could possibly be wrong with me.

So you see, I can't write from my heart about my oldest baby graduating from high school, being accepted to college and preparing to leave my home. Because living it is about all I can muster.

Maybe after I catch my breath.

After there is a bit of time between me and his absence...

I can look at things in hindsight...

Have a few words of wisdom to share.

But for now?

He says things that make me crazy.

And I think, "He'll be leaving soon."

Then -

His smile dazzles me.

And I think, "He can't be leaving soon."

Then -

His laziness infuriates me.

And I think, "When does he leave?"

Then -

He puts on his cap and gown and the lump in my throat chokes me, and I think, "Please don't go."

He continues to fill out paperwork, take placement testing and I continue to see the word he writes over and over --

UNDECIDED

Funny. I think this is the word that applies to this mother's reaction to her baby leaving.

Completely - Utterly - Totally --

UNDECIDED.

Ask me next year.

Or not.